Growing Up...

I've spent the last two weeks here now, waiting to get my final airplane ticket and get on my way.

Today I was reminded again that I’m not a young man. I was reading Ashley’s blog about how someone called her “Ma’am” for the first time and it brought back recollections of my own realization that boyhood was gone.

I remember sitting as a teen and staring at my younger brothers playing with their toys. There was something inside of me that wanted to sit down and play with the toys, too, but there was something else that didn’t care about the toys. It was one of my first aging conflicts and I wondered what fine line had been crossed to separate me from my childhood. I remember feeling a sense of sadness at that loss, a sense that I’d never be able to go back again.

I remember lying on my rack one night in Marine boot camp wondering about what it was that would define me as a Marine. There was no room for boys in the Marines. Everyone was expected to be a man. What did that mean exactly? I stood in formation with the others in my platoon and watched them break out the cigarettes during smoke breaks and heard them talking about girlfriends and getting drunk. I watched the immature faces of those kids get harder and harder with each passing day until they all looked like men but I wrestled with the mysterious quality that had crept so slowly into their countenances. What was that transformation that went almost unnoticed? I didn’t feel any older, myself, but I knew that something was different, too.

I view my past transgressions and my heart fills with sorrow. I look back at my poor choices and I feel that same youthful sadness that I’ll never be able to go back again and do things the right way. And then I look at where I am right now and I’m happy. I see the gentle pushes and the subtle persuasion that God has used on me to draw me closer to him. I look at where I might be in another decade and I marvel at the possibilities. Living today as if I only had another month of life forces me to scrutinize my priorities and forces me to realize that relationships are the key to happiness. It all comes down to family for me, which makes my current situation so much more painful. I’m going away again to serve. It feels like a real sacrifice this time because I’m leaving all that I love behind for a few more months, but I know that it will be worth it. I may even make a difference to someone who has no hope.

I still marvel at that gradual transformation as I realize that my own metamorphosis isn’t quite finished. I look back a few days and I don’t see any difference. But when I look back a year, or two, or three the changes are apparent. A decade ago was like an eternity ago and twenty years ago I was still an infant. Those gradual changes continue in my life and give me hope that one day I might actually grow up. I've even learned that it's all right to sit down and play with the toys sometimes. It’s not about where we are, but about where we’re going. That’s the whole thing.

I love you all.
Jed